Tags
bitterness, Carsten Wrosch, detachment, Erin Dunne, Gregory Miller, Hans Villarica, The Atlantic
I was talking with my faculty mentor the other day, and I was telling her how the concept of detachment is hard for me to put into practice because, for me, it feels like giving up on the person or situation. And giving up means I’ll never have my dream.
In her book “The Language of Letting Go” Melody Beattie says we have to continue growing even when our loved ones are not yet ready to change themselves.
“Sometimes, we need to give ourselves permission to grow, even though the people we love are not ready to change,” she writes. “We may even need to leave people behind in their dysfunction or suffering because we cannot recover for them … The potential for helping others is far greater when we detach, work on ourselves, and stop trying to force others to change with us.
“Changing ourselves, allowing ourselves to grow while others seek their own path, is how we have the most beneficial impact on people we love. We’re accountable for ourselves. They’re accountable for themselves.We let them go, and let ourselves grow,” Beattie concludes.
Sometimes moving on means not getting our dream of being with someone because they chooses not to be healthy. Not getting our deepest dreams and desires can cause us to become bitter if we allow it.
Hans Villarica wrote in “The Psychology of Bitterness: 10 Essential Lessons” published in “The Atlantic” that Concordia University psychologists Erin Dunne and Carsten Wrosch collaborated with University of British Columbia’s Gregory Miller for a study to be published in the journal “Health Psychology.” Their conclusion in Dunne’s words: “The ability of older adults with functional limitations to withdraw effort and commitment from goals that are no longer attainable can help them avoid increases in depressive symptoms over time.”
Villarica offeres these research-based lessons on bitterness:
1. Bitterness follows unwanted experiences — failures, disappointment, setbacks — that are perceived to be beyond one’s control.
2. Bitterness occurs when one believes, rightly or wrongly, that other people could have prevented the undesired outcome. Regret involves blaming oneself.
3. Bitterness, much like other negative emotions, could forecast physical disease.
4. To regulate bitterness, individuals who failed should assess the likelihood of achieving the goal if they decide to try again.
5. If success is unlikely, individuals should move on to other pursuits.
6. The embittered should try to reconcile, take some responsibility, and get over the blame game.
7. Older adults generally experience more disappointments that could lead to bitterness.
8. Most older adults can easily disengage from impractical goals and commit to other meaningful pursuits.
9. Older adults who can’t curb their bitterness may be compromising their health and happiness.
10. If bitterness persists, consult a mental health practitioner.
Lesson No. 5 seems to be particularly relevant for those in relationships with substance users. “People also need to find new purposeful activities. They have to reengage — find a different job or look for a different partner. Reengagement in turn has been shown to predict higher levels of positive emotions and purpose in life,” Wrosch said.
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